Wednesday, January 29, 2014

in light of an open heart

there is never a good middle ground of writing time for me. it's either when my head is in the clouds, and i'm obsessively recording every moment trying to make sure it all gets soaked up, or it's when i need to write the most. ever since i was about sixteen i've kept a blog, and i've kept journals since forever. i can remember specifically having a puffy pinkish/purple lion king journal i would write things in from time to time when i was just nine or ten, i bet.

either way, i've been emotionally trained to let things out on paper. to express myself through written word, because this is the only way my head can make sense of things. and lately, things have been off for me.

i've had anxieties before, like when i'm in a new place by myself i get really nervous, or when there are too large of crowds, that sometimes does it. but lately, it's been a new sort of anxiousness. the sort that makes you want to run away from everything. like when you're sitting in class and you feel your chest tighten, you get physical pangs in your chest and your palms get sweaty, and all you can think is "leave!" because you feel trapped in your situation; in your own body.

i always make it through, which is the only reason i keep going to school honestly, but it's really freaking hard when you wake up with those pangs in your chest, and you don't even care about time. you don't care about what you have to do that day because you want to focus all your energy into making that feeling go away.

i've never been one to worry. never been one to convince myself that my situation is the worst, but lately i'm stuck in this vicious cycle. quite frankly i'm sick of it. it's terribly exhausting to spend your whole day worrying. having anxiety about the seemingly inevitable fact that you're going to have an anxiety attack that day. it's been three straight weeks now that i've gone everyday just waiting on my anxiety attack. i'm nervous to go to certain classes because i remember the anxiety attacks i've had in them before. even writing this is causing my breaths to grow shorter, and my chest to tighten up which proves that the only thing holding me back from freedom of this burden is my own imagination.

when tyler finally made me open up to him about my anxieties, it really helped. i feel less like it's a personal ailment, and more like theres an open door out of this whole thing! i guess its been two nights ago, he made me vocally explain what makes me feel anxious. what it feels like when i know i'm about to have an attack, and what to do when that happens. of course, i've read article after article about what to do and how to help myself, but i've come to realize that it's all just gibberish unless you really want to open your mind, and open your heart up to love and lightness!

it's an honest work in progress, and the weight on my chest is getting lighter. the serenity prayer, along with various other mantras i've made for myself get me through the day.

i'm grateful for peace that's on its way. for this season in my life that is for a reason, that's not for my benefit, but maybe of someone i meet down the road. maybe it's a season of growth for myself. maybe it's all meant for the glory of God (as is everything in life), but in the middle of it all i'm learning to open my arms to love and kindness. to see light in darkness, and to turn the half empty glass into an opportunity to fill the glass and let it flow over.

so heres to day THREE of no anxiety. and to opening up about things i normally wouldn't share with anyone but myself. here's to personal, spiritual growth.

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