with so many credit hours, also trying to work at least 20 hours a week, and still trying to have some sort of life outside of it all results in me running around like a crazy woman and never sitting still for longer than an episode or two of Wings (that tyler and i currently love...). it is never really apparent to me that i'm anxious and always awaiting the next thing to come up so that i can run to it without taking a breath. and i think it's nice how sometimes God tries to speak to you through the most subtle of ways. all gentle and easy, like he's just putting his hand on your back to guide you, but when you're too busy being a crazy woman, not even taking time for yourself, you don't hear. and our God is so lovingly persistent that he will use someone physical and someone you'll actually hear to tell you what he wants for you. and he did that for me.
now that my little toe is healed and ready to get back on my yoga mat, i have been able to practice more. practicing on my own accord in our "big room", as we call it, slowing my mind and letting go of my expectations becomes really hard for me. it usually ends up in me face down on my mat in the middle of it, sort of getting onto myself for rushing and trying to force myself to breathe deeper, to utilize my heart instead of my mind for once! because of this, yesterday i picked up my mat and went to one of my most favorite studios in OKC called the Yoga Room. even the decision to actually go to a studio was a battle for me. tyler talked me into it, reminding me that homework will always wait.
this was lesson one for the day. that homework always waits. that you should always take time for yourself, to slow down, and allow yourself to unwind for an hour. an hour at least! and that it is always when it's the hardest to get there that you need it the most.
and i believe that i did. i needed that time and that reminder that i am strong. that i am capable. that i am new, and fresh, and loved.
that night i had planned to go to tea time. this was started by one of my bests, Kelsey, and her lovely roommates whom I've grown to really love and appreciate, where they sing and play before God and this cozy living room full of people all with a mug of tea in hand. it's something i try and always make time for because the energy in that room is so sweet and so encouraging! there's something really powerful in a room full of people you hardly know, all just clapping and singing and praying their hearts out at 10 o'clock at night. all together for the same purpose.
the journey to get to tea time was a surprisingly hard journey. if you know me, you know that my gas tank is never full. the gas light is always on, and it's partially because i hate getting gas and spending the money, but also because it's inconvenient and i would always rather be home or where i'm going than at the gas station. so of course before i left the city, i had to get gas. i ended up prepaying more than i needed, then went back inside for a refund on my card (which took a good 8 minutes because it was the guys first time to do such a thing), then i had to return tyler back home to study, then f i n a l l y i was on my way. it's already a good 30 minute trip to kelsey's house, but of course there was construction that stopped traffic for about three miles. i took the nearest exit (which wasn't anywhere close to kelsey's), okay- i'll spare you the details, but you get that this journey was annoying and frustrating and took way more time than necessary.
within ten minutes of being at kelsey's, a few of us were sitting on her porch as they were choosing songs for the evening, this really sweet sister of hers that i've only met once before just looked at me and said "I just see you under a waterfall...". so then, here I am immediately thinking she's seen some of my yoga photos, because my ears are obviously selective and unreceptive... she continues that she sees that God is trying to refresh me this week, and that he wants me to walk in peace, and that His refreshing water is flowing over me from this waterfall, and school and work are about to calm down and His peace is going to completely refresh me.
this being the second reminder that the hardest things to obtain are always the things you need most. that when you battle with getting there, that something really awesome is in store for you.
my eyes well up in tears because i realize how persistent our God is. that more than we want or desire him, he longs to have us! that out of a million people to bother with, he spends his time on us. and if we won't take the time to listen, he will use something, or in this case someone, to remind you that his loving arms are waiting for you to fall into.
today, more than ever, i'm thankful that he cares so much as to completely wash me in this waterfall of peace. and that he chases after me while i'm running from myself.